I’m tired. My body aches, I have no motivation to move. Sometimes I feel like just sitting and staring at the wall because what is the point? There is nothing physically wrong with me it’s all in my head. Oh but the mind is a powerful thing and ones mental health can have very real, physical effects on a person.
It’s crazy the things that go on in someone’s head and the outside world has no idea. Today I went to playgroup with my nearly one year old. I talked to friends and we had a laugh. I read a book that I actually really enjoyed. Yet for some reason I can’t shake this feeling of emptiness. It creeps up on me slowly and it’s not easy to shake. I find it hard to describe. It’s not that I’m unhappy or that I didn’t enjoy the things I did today. I love spending time with my daughter. Her little smile brightens my day. I pretty much live for my children. Anyone who saw me today wouldn’t think that anything was wrong but my head is my worst enemy. While I’m going through my day its working in overdrive, nit picking at every single detail. Going over what has been said and everything that was not said, down to a person expression when they spoke and their tone. To decipher what they really meant and my mind always fills in the blanks with the worse possible answer.
I have been to therapy. I have tried CBT and anti-depressants but none of it has made this feeling go away. Don’t get me wrong some of it has helped and when I think of myself from four and half years ago, I’m a completely different person. I have come to realise I have always been an anxious persona and suffered with mental health issues but after having my kids it just got worse. Especially after having baby number two and she had a heart condition, resulting in her having open heart surgery at 12 days old. So I was already an anxious person, then add a poorly baby on top and I was massively depressed. I’m not sure how I got through it but I did and I’m so much better than I was. I mean I used to not want to leave the house on my own, now there is no stopping me. I even went and learnt to drive. However even though I have come through the worst of it an my poorly baby is now going to be five in a few months and anyone who met her would never know by looking at her that she has congenital heart disease, I still have bad days. I still have times like today when I feel that black hole inside me sapping away at me. I still find it hard to talk about the time spent in hospital with my daughter and how it felt when they took my baby from me. Just thinking about it now brings me close to tears. I was crazy scared during my third pregnancy, luckily she doesn’t have the same condition. Like I said though my mind is my worst enemy but it is also my greatest asset.
When I find myself having a bad day or in a dark mood, I have found the best therapy for me is to create something. Whether that be to write, draw or make a bracelet. Today my outlet was to write. Somehow getting this all out on the page has made me feel lighter and freer. What I write doesn’t have to be fact. Writing fiction helps just the same. This is how Crystal heart came about and Wonderland Beads and Ink was born. I have turned my negative energy into something better. so why wouldn’t it make me feel better. I don’t think I will ever be ‘cured’ but I take each day as it comes and I can see how far I have come in my journey.